i forgot to take my meds…

A fiction short story by Tea Jay (inspired by true events)

I forgot to take my meds today…

…and suddenly I’m feeling everything at once. You don’t realize how numb you can be when you’re mind is covered in fog. I never stopped feeling, but nothing compares to emotions unmedicated, unregualated. Sad is despair. Happy is exuberance. The world wanders a fine line between sorrow and adventure and I’m finding myself drifting into both territories.

I begin to wonder…

…why take medications at all? Why silence these sensations that have lived dormant in me as long as my prescription has been filled? Feeling is everything and I am blessed with experiencing it with the intensity and burning of a thousand suns. Emotions to me are highs. I am an addict and this is my relapse. I thought when you relapsed you felt guilty about it, but I am relishing in the rush.

What does it mean…

…do I stop taking them now? I feel more alive, more productive, more authentic when I feel like this. Maybe I have gathered enough recovery resources from therapy through DBT and CBT that I can live a fully functional life while being intoxicated on this rush. Thinking like this fills me with bliss, it makes my heart pound a little faster, a little louder. My palms get sweaty with excitement and I can taste adrenaline coursing through my body.

Do I trust this…

…or do I accept that maybe, just maybe, I’m thinking in manic tongues and psychotic philosophies? Maybe I’m not the god of my own universe and I need a little enlightening before I deem myself prophet. I need to ground myself, plant the soles of my feet in the earth, hatch some seedlings. Do I still need chemicals from the farmers or can I grow in the sun and the soil? Can I thrive on my own?

Reality begins to creep in…

…it’s a hard pill to swallow. To go back on medications, or to not go back on medications? Whether tis nobler to take an anti-psychotic to protect the ones you love and yourself from suicide and self-destruction, or to believe you’re a better person than before and give faith to yourself? To believe or not to believe, to have faith and trust or a crutch for the rest of your life. Is there shame in needing a little help to fix the chemicals in your brain? Is there shame in the fact that although I know I may need them, I really don’t want them?

About the author: Tea Jay is a millennial, mother, and advocate. She has published two books about mental health. The first,In The Gray Area Of Being Suicidal, an essay collection chronicling life with BPD and being a suicide attempt survivor. The second, a children’s book explaining a caregiver’s mental illness to young children.

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